Mother’s Day

Honestly, I am not sure how to handle this day. The week leading up to Mothers day has been explosive to say the least. My emotions have been all over the place. Up, down, frustrated, the kids have been on my nerves more than not. It didn’t help that the full moon was this week and that makes them go a bit crazy. So to say that it’s been a week would be an understatement.

Then add on that it’s the first Mother’s Day that I will be without Serenity is a road I just didn’t want to navigate. I’m not ready for that. To be a mom of a baby in heaven. Just not quite ready to hear that on Mother’s day.

I am a mom. I have 4 wonderful, healthy, crazy as heck children. Three boys and 1 daughter. God has blessed me so much with them. My oldest is now 18 and he has always been such a helper, giver and an amazing young man. He will be a great dad one day. He blesses me with what he does around the house. All while working a part time job and finishing up school. He works hard and has goals and dreams.

My 2nd son turns 13 this month. Gosh, I can’t believe it’s been 13 years. His labor started on Mothers day and I gave birth in the wee hours of the morning the following day to my largest baby. Mr 11lb wonder! I made it through with no pain medication too. He was our daredevil and the child that taught me that kids can to amazing things very early on.

Our 3rd son was our winter baby and turned 10 this year. I was not prepared to be pregnant with him and didn’t know I was pregnant till I was almost 4 months along. His pregnancy was the hardest on me. A lot of emotional things and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Labor was also a challenge (for many reasons due to doctor ineptness). But in the end we had a healthy baby boy.

Our 4th child, the daughter I had waited for patiently was born in May as well. She turns 8 this year and is the most giggly, energetic, bubbly and stubborn child in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m raising me and my sister all rolled into one person. Heaven help me. But she is so precious and we play and dance and paint fingernails and do hair and it’s so fun. She is definitely my girly girl but she also will rough and tumble with the best of them.

I would be approximately 20-21 weeks pregnant this Mother’s Day with Serenity. Granted, that probably wasn’t going to be the name we chose had she been born in September, but given the circumstances, it’s the name that fit her. Serenity Joy Yenca born to heaven on 3-10-2020. While I know she stopped growing about 4 weeks before that, I’m unsure of that date and so March 10th will be the day of her birth.

So, I am mom to 5 children. Four are here on earth with me and one is in heaven. She’s not the first of my family to go to heaven. She has grandparents, great grandparents, Aunts & Uncles and so many more before her to hold her on this Mother’s Day since I cannot. Even my heavenly Father gets the blessing of holding her before me. I admit I’m jealous that He gets to hold her before me. I know she was never really mine to begin with (and none of my children are really mine, they are His), but it really sucks that I didn’t get much time with her.

So this Mother’s Day is going to be rough. I’m still dealing with the grief of losing my baby 8 (almost 9) weeks ago. I’m not sure it’s something I’ll ever get over. You can’t just get over the loss of a child. Sure, I’ll work through the trauma and grief and get to a place where I’m not overwhelmed by the loss, but that will take time. And I’m willing to invest what’s needed to heal.

So with that said, I know there are many of us who have walked or are currently walking this journey of loss. So many of my FaceBook friends have either commented or private messaged me that they have experienced loss (and many not just 1 time). Ladies, my heart hurts with you and for you. This club that we got forced into because our babies went on before us is so hard a road to walk down. I feel like Anna in Frozen 2 when she’s realizing she must go on without Elsa and she sings The Next Right Thing.

I’ve seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over; the lights are out
Hello darkness: I’m ready to succumb

I follow you around (I always have)
But you’ve gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing

Can there be a day beyond this night
I don’t know anymore what is true
I can’t find my direction; I’m all alone
The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor
When it’s not you I’m rising for

Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won’t look too far ahead
It’s too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I’ll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn what comes then?
When it’s clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I’ll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing

I don’t know about you, but this is how my life will go for now. Break it down to this next breat, this next step, this next choice that I can make. I will go on because I am loved here and I love my family. It won’t be easy, but it’s the next right thing.

Happy Mother’s Day to every mom.