Grief is Fickle

There, I’ve said it. Grief is fickle! It’s a hell that really requires no trigger. I’m not sure why it chooses to make my dreams it’s gateway into my life. Maybe it’s because the pandemic/quarantine happened less than a week after we lost our daugther and I went into survival mode instead of truly allowing myself to process the grief. Maybe I was doing the darn best I could with my world colapsing all around me. You couldn’t go get groceries unless absolutely necessary, there were limited hours, things were going out of stock quickly that we needed, Church was canceled in person (which is a whole other topic for discussion) and I felt like my life was upside down. It truly was upside down.

In late April and early May, I started to have dreams of someone breaking into my home and me hearing them and attempting to scream at them but no sound was coming out. I really try not to pay much attention to dreams but this one was reoccurring all the time. Long story short, tied to grief and not being able to get everything out. Even when I found out this information the dreams still came. They eventually went away but it took a while.

Then I had a chance to go to another state in May for a couple of weeks. It was a nice break. I got to sleep earlier and woke up earlier and I helped the family I was staying with on my mini retreat. There I had dreams of still being pregnant and the miscarriage being something else along with the other dreams. Sometimes I’d wake up almost to tears and hoping I didn’t disturb anyone. Not that they didn’t know the situation, but I just hate causing any disruption. I know they would have provided kind words and comfort.

Now that summer is almost over and school is about to begin, the dreams have begun again. I would have been thirty-six weeks this past week. Four weeks away from my estimated due date. My going theory was that this baby would have shared a day either with my parents anniversary on the 10th or my dearly departed Grandy’s birthday on the 15th. I was honestly hoping for the 15th. But now my baby girl gets to enjoy the presence of my Grandy in Heaven.

I’m not sure what the next few weeks hold for me and my emotions with Serenity’s due date approaching. I’m still trying to hold it together, be mom, wife, help teach my kids, and take care of the things that need to be done. Hopefully by then I’ll have found a good therapist who can help me work through the grief process. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while regarding this but have put off for a wide variety of reasons.

It’s time for me to work on me so I can do all that I’m meant to do on this earth. And what’s hardest for me to accept is that may mean no more new life from my womb. That’s the devastating part for me. I’m not quite sure I’m ready for that finality of it for me. I know God has a plan and that all things work out for the good of those who trust in Him, but this purely sucks. I know he knows the pain of loss but if I’m honest, I’m struggling to trust Him through everything going on.

That may seem hypocritical, but I’m being honest and blunt about my feelings, my faith and everything now a days. I grew up in the church. I have a great family. I still love Jesus and am grateful for what He did for me. But with this thing I’m struggling. I’m not the perfect Christian and have never ever claimed to be. So this is my brutal truth right now. How I feel, how I’m doing, how my life is going. I’m getting it out the best way I know how to right now. People may think it’s wrong or that I’m saying too much but I think as a people, we don’t say enough about how we feel or what’s going on. We put on a happy face like it’s all ok and it’s NOT! Yet when asked how we are and we do give a truthful answer it scares people away. It’s too real and real life is messy. We need to dig into the mess with people. It’s not gonna be pretty, but the bonds of friendship and even family can be formed through that mess.

I’m thankful for the friends and family who have checked in on me and walked with me through this. For those who have prayed. That has carried me through the past 5 months. Thank you.