Well, it’s that day…what would have been her estimated due date. Honestly, when we found out when Serenity’s EDD would be, I had pegged her for either arriving early on my parent’s Anniversary (9/10) or on my grandfather’s birthday (9/15). I had this gut feeling she would share one of those two dates. We already had a child share a birthday with a family member (my husband and Jordan, child #2) and all of our children are born on either the 14th or 15th of the month. So I had this idea in my mind that she would do something similar though the thought of going past my EDD was not exactly thrilling.
But that changed in March. I was not prepared for loss when I started spotting because a couple of my other pregnancies had some mild spotting too. It would go away for 24-36 hours but then happen again and ultimately we lost Serenity on March 10th. Unfortunately she had been gone longer than the week I had been spotting. She passed about 3 weeks before that, but I say March 10th is the date because that is when she physically left my body.
The next 6 months have been a blur of pandemic/quarantine/grief processing. September snuck up really darn fast. Like I can’t believe we are just 3 months away from the end of the year. Honestly, it can go. I don’t want to be in 2020 anymore. Bring 2021 right on! But that won’t happen yet. I have to live in the present and tomorrow is the date that Serenity might have been born. But she won’t be. Instead, she’s with Jesus and I’m here with the biggest hole in my heart and a pain that right now feels like my heart ripping in two. I’d rather be in unmedicated labor for hours waiting to have my baby in my arms than feel like this.
Yesterday the waterworks sprang forth and then today at church they started again. Singing songs about the name of God and how powerful it is just triggered them. I couldn’t contain myself. I used to be able to sing that and believe it with no problem. But now, I find myself questioning the faith I have known my whole life. Now it seems just like words and I struggle with believing in the power of God and what He can do. Granted, I’ve seen Him work before, several times in fact. But this is the hardest test of my faith and it’s really hard to believe that something good is going to come from this.
Finding Serenity in the Storm 