This is my motto for the upcoming year. It’s been a hell of a year. The loss of my daughter, Serenity, has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. I lost hope and faith for a while. I’m still dealing with the grief, anger, and hurt that didn’t get dealt with right away. (see prior posts) I’m also seeing that my children haven’t been able to process their own grief and need some guidance as they walk down that path.
I am healing though and that’s good. Things are starting to bring joy again, I’m starting to feel hope again, even amidst all the uncertainty of things going on in this world. The emotions that got suppressed over the past 9 months are starting to come through and I’m using every tool in my arsenal to help me through that journey.
There are a few good things that happened though. I found out that one of my besties is actually related to me! We are like 9th cousins. Our relatives have ties to the Mayflower and so we were able to traceback our lineage to that and see we were actually related through marriage. We didn’t know each other till we met 6 years ago right before we moved to Tulsa and connected through mutual friends. We live really close to each other so we get to see each other a lot.
Another good thing is that I actually lost some weight this year. I feel better and am working on making healthier choices so I can continue to improve my health. If anything this year has taught me it’s that I alone am responsibile for my health. No one else. Not the government or any other person. I am responsible to make good choices for my family and I strive daily to make good choices to keep us all healthy.
I also got to attend the annual gathering that one of my besties holds at her place at Christmastime. She lives a couple of hours from me and we have known each other for over half our lives. Kinda crazy to think about but I am blessed.
Things I’m thankful this year? Well one thing is technology. It has kept me connected to family and friends during this crazy time. My husband has been working from home since we lost the baby (thank you “pandemic”) and while that has been crazy on it’s own, I am thankful that he has been here. I’m thankful for my kids. They have had to deal with a lot this year. I have seen them grow so much though. I am thankful for my close knit group of friends. We may not get to see each other often but it’s ok. We have that unspoken understanding that life is what it is and we will see each other when we can. The technology aspect has been great cause we can text, facetime, MarcoPolo or FB chat with each other. I’m thankful for freedom. It’s something we must never surrender, even short term for a “greater good”. I’m thankful that even though I lost hope and my faith for a while, that it wasn’t really lost. I just had to re-discover Him and His plans for me and trust Him more. It’s not easy to hand over control. But I’m a work in progress who is forgiven. I’m thankful that one day I’ll get to hold my baby girl one day.
So, with New Years Eve finally being here, it’s normally resolution time. This year mine are going to look a little different. If anything 2020 has taught us it’s that life can change instantly and only God knows the number of our days. I’m going to start with simple changes for my health. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of my family. I plan on reading more, learning to garden with my family, playing more with my kids, and going outside to enjoy the beauty of this world that God has given us. I will continue to fight for freedom! I will share the truth.
Finding Serenity in the Storm 