The anticipation of the 1 year anniversary was stifling. I have struggled with anxiety attacks for nearly the past 3 weeks. I’d find myself breathing rapidly, my heartbeat racing for no physical reason and a feeling of dread/fear. They come at random times. My only relief is going to take a nap. I’m thankful that I can do that.
It’s crazy what grief does to a person. I just wish I could have had a “normal” experience. Not that I wanted to lose my baby, but this whole thing is anything but “normal.” The term shit-show really describes the past year. Lockdowns due to the pandemic made this process so much harder. I shut down in many ways because of that. I’m still struggling to break out of that cage I made to protect myself over the past year. I feel like it’s 1 step forward and then two steps back some days.
Yesterday I found myself just wishing Serenity was here. I want to hold her in my arms, nurse her, smell her head and just be with her. Instead, I am left dealing with the flashbacks of what happened as she left me. I remembered the doctors who weren’t exactly using their best bedside manners or kindness and showed no empathy. I remembered the ultrasound technician who had more empathy than the doctors. I remembered thinking I may die cause I was losing so much blood but being ok with that cause then I wouldn’t be without my baby girl. I remember passing out due to the blood loss and hearing my husband call me back to him. I remember the agonizing screams and wailing I let out as my daughter left my body. I remember the pain of labor and no baby to be in my arms. I remember the friends who cared for my children when I had to go to the hospital 2 days in a row. I remember those who prayed for me. The text messages, the emails, the calls and sweet gifts.
I remember it all. It’s etched in my brain and heart. I’ll always remember my 5th child, my daughter, my Serenity.
Finding Serenity in the Storm 