Little Questions

So most of you know I have 4 living children and one in Heaven. My oldest 3 are boys and my youngest is a girl. We were so excited in January 2020 to be expecting another baby. We told everyone. Then 2 months later the unthinkable happened. The little girl we were expecting was called to Heaven early. The past year has been so strange to navigate. Between the grief and then the pandemic we’ve done the best we can to survive the whole ordeal.

I’ve always tried to be open with my kids. Let them ask questions about anything and give the best answer I can. This week my 3rd son, Josef, asked me when I was going to have another baby. **ouch** I was not expecting that question. If I’m completely honest, it’s something I’ve been asking myself for the past few months. I actually had a dream in the past month or so about being pregnant again. Granted it also coincided with my starting homeopathic treatment, but it still happened. I hadn’t had a dream about being pregnant since I lost Serenity.

My heart says I’d love another baby, my arms would love to hold another precious baby, but I’m not sure my body wants to carry another child. That’s the hard thing to wrap my brain around. I love my children, I’d love a chance to have one more and was so ready to do that last year. But now, I’ll admit that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I got pregnant I’d lose that baby too. I’m not sure my heart could handle that heartache. It was horrible to go through once, and to go through that again could possibly break me. That’s just the honesty of it right now.

When I answered my sweet boy, I told him that it would pretty much be a miracle for me to have another baby. While I know God pretty much deals in miracles, I’m still working on the trust and faith factor. And that right there is super hard for me to admit. Me, the pastors kid, the girl who was always in church, the girl who accepted Christ at the tender age of 3, struggling with my faith. I KNOW that God loves me, I KNOW that He cares, I know He knows my struggles, but can I put that trust and faith in Him again when my child was taken from me? I want to trust Him. I want to believe again. I want to have that faith again.

Do I Trust You Lord by Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can’t understand
What’s in Your will, what’s in Your plan
So many times I’m tempted to ask You why
But I can never forget it for long
Lord, what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You, even when I must cry

Chorus:
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart
You can read my mind
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I’ve given them all
But suddenly now, I feel so small
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul
I know the doctrine and theology
But right now they don’t mean much to me
This time there’s only one thing I’ve got to know

Chorus:
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart
You can read my mind
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don’t know why
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die
I will trust You, Lord, when I’m blind with pain!
You were God before, and You’ll never change
I will trust You
I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord
I will trust You