Little Questions

So most of you know I have 4 living children and one in Heaven. My oldest 3 are boys and my youngest is a girl. We were so excited in January 2020 to be expecting another baby. We told everyone. Then 2 months later the unthinkable happened. The little girl we were expecting was called

One Year

The anticipation of the 1 year anniversary was stifling. I have struggled with anxiety attacks for nearly the past 3 weeks. I’d find myself breathing rapidly, my heartbeat racing for no physical reason and a feeling of dread/fear. They come at random times. My only relief is going to take a nap. I’m thankful that

The brewing storm

It’s coming. Like a tropical storm gaining strength the date in March is coming. We’ve already passed the date of which I would have conceived Serenity, the date when I found out I was pregnant with her and the day we told our kids there was going to be another baby in our family. It’s

New Year, Same Me, Better Choices

This is my motto for the upcoming year. It’s been a hell of a year. The loss of my daughter, Serenity, has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. I lost hope and faith for a while. I’m still dealing with the grief, anger, and hurt that didn’t get dealt with right away. (see

Not sure…

A lot has been going on. Right now I’m grateful for the almost near normalcy of my schedule since our church started having in person services again. I didn’t realize how much I crave that connection. I know that the church is really the people, but we were freaking quarantined and couldn’t even meet in

It should be her birthday

Well, it’s that day…what would have been her estimated due date. Honestly, when we found out when Serenity’s EDD would be, I had pegged her for either arriving early on my parent’s Anniversary (9/10) or on my grandfather’s birthday (9/15). I had this gut feeling she would share one of those two dates. We already

Grief is Fickle

There, I’ve said it. Grief is fickle! It’s a hell that really requires no trigger. I’m not sure why it chooses to make my dreams it’s gateway into my life. Maybe it’s because the pandemic/quarantine happened less than a week after we lost our daugther and I went into survival mode instead of truly allowing

Mother’s Day

Honestly, I am not sure how to handle this day. The week leading up to Mothers day has been explosive to say the least. My emotions have been all over the place. Up, down, frustrated, the kids have been on my nerves more than not. It didn’t help that the full moon was this week

Crashing Waves

It’s been a wave of emotions today. I did ok till I watched Phantom of the Opera on YouTube. It’s the 25th Anniversary at Royal Albert Hall. If you don’t know me, I’ve dreamed since I was a young girl to be able to see a performance live. My mom got to go when I

Absence

Did yoga for the first time. It’s the same yoga dvd I did during the labor that would release my sweet Serenity Joy from my body. During the breathing she has you place your hands on your stomach and I realized my belly hadn’t grown. 15 weeks would’ve been on Sunday (3/22) and that’s normally